The Difference
by Tracy-Lou
Summary: Ste wants to find out more about Brendan's past with Vinnie. One-shot.


Disclaimer: I do not own these characters, they belong to Hollyoaks!

Pairings: Brendan/Ste, Brendan/Vinnie

The Difference

Brendan curled around the smaller boy, his hands splayed on his stomach, idly stroking the soft hairs there. Ste squirmed, attempting to bat Brendan's hands away but failing miserably.

"It tickles"

"Never mind" Brendan murmured into his ear, resuming his finger movements.

"Bren..."

"Steven..." Brendan mimicked.

Ste sighed, turning himself over onto his stomach. "There, now try"

Brendan smoothed his hand across his bare buttocks, his eyes taking on a dream-like quality.

"This is...preferable"

Ste twitched a little at the contact, especially when Brendan's fingers slipped in between and found his entry.

"I can't stay..."

"Yeah ye can" Brendan climbed on top of him, his breath hot at his ear. "Ye think I'm gonna let ye go now?"

Ste shivered a little but he knew and Brendan knew that he wasn't going anywhere.

"Well, seeing as you can't cope without me, I suppose I'll stay, for your sake"

Brendan chuckled, flipping Ste onto his back and looming above him like a dark angel. "I appreciate that" he leaned down and captured Ste's lips, his teeth grazing his bottom lip.

Ste pushed up against him, rubbing himself against Brendan and making the older man curse and groan into his mouth. Ste loved to hear him swear sometimes. He liked it when he whispered it in his ear, "fuck, Steven", or sometimes when he moaned aloud, hardly caring if they were overheard.

It was perfect when it was like this; just the two of them in their own protective bubble, no one else there to penetrate their joy of each other. There were times though when Ste wondered about Brendan's other men. Not the one night stands, they were meaningless, but the boys who got away, the boys who Brendan let escape him. Ste shook himself; it made it sound as though he didn't want to be here, and of course he did. Just he was curious why he was so different in comparison, what made him so damn important that Brendan pursued him to the ends of the earth, despite constantly tottering on the edge of oblivion.

When they had had their fill of each other and Ste knew that Brendan was in his sleepy tiger mode, as Ste liked to call it, he decided to ask. Now was the best opportunity after all, when his guard was down and he was sleepy with sex and filled with contentment.

He circled his fingers around Brendan's chest, the hair surprisingly soft to touch. Brendan closed his eyes like a cat being petted. Ste seized his opportunity.

"Brendan..."

"Oh god, what is it?" Brendan opened one eye.

"Easy tiger" Ste grinned, kissing him quickly on the mouth. "I just have a question"

Brendan opened his eyes fully. "Go on"

"You know Vinnie..."

"Do I...?" Brendan shook his head, smiling.

"Brendan, be serious"

"Alright, don't get ye panties in a twist" Brendan sighed. "What about him?"

"You told me once he was your boyfriend"

Brendan visibly baulked. "Did I?"

"Yeah"

Brendan frowned a little. "I don't know what else to call him"

"What happened between you?" Ste asked quickly. "Did you love him? Why did you split up?"

"Woah, lot of questions there" Brendan sat up, rubbing his temple in agitation.

"I just need to know"

"Oh ye need to know. Why?"

"It's important" Ste pouted a little. "Come on, it's not too much to ask, is it?"

Brendan looked at him levelly. "Ye know what happened to him?"

Ste nodded, biting his lip. "It might help...to talk about it?"

"I doubt that" Brendan said, sitting back against the bed stead. Ste laid against him, his head on his chest.

"He must have been important to you"

Brendan sighed. "He's hardly competition, Steven"

"That's not what I'm saying" Ste huffed. "I just wanna know. I know about you and Macca-"

"Do ye now?" Brendan rolled his eyes, gritting his teeth. "Look, I wasn't the same man then. Well, in some ways" Brendan paused. "I don't do regrets..."

Ste didn't quite believe that but he let it drop. "Just tell me one thing then, anything"

Brendan closed his eyes and Ste moved further up his body, allowing his hair to tickle Brendan's chin.

"He was younger than ye are, blond haired, blue eyed. Skinny as a twig. Had a mouth on him"

Ste frowned, opening and closing his mouth several times.

Brendan looked at him, following his train of thought. "He wasn't like ye are, Steven"

"He sounds... similar"

"He's not you" Brendan said firmly and Ste knew to quieten. "He was..." Brendan struggled for the right word. "A survivor" he said with a hint of irony. "And yet too young to really understand properly"

"Understand what?"

"That we could never work"

"Why?"

"It wasn't..." Brendan trailed off. "He wasn't..."

"The one for you?" Ste asked, frowning.

"He was too young, too pliable. He deserved more, more than me"

"I'm not complaining" Ste said shakily, realising the implications of that sentence. Brendan gave him a look.

"Ye are different"

"I am?"

Brendan closed his eyes again, his hand finding its way to Ste's scalp where he palmed him. "If ye don't know already, I'm not explaining it to ye"

The subject dropped after that and Ste sighed, appeased for now. He curled himself around Brendan, their legs intermingling as they fell asleep.

xxx

Brendan awoke after only a few hours. Steven was still fast asleep, snuffling a little and burying his head into the pillow. Brendan went into the kitchen to pour himself a glass of water. Thoughts of Vinnie were the last thing he needed right now; death had been surrounding him too much lately. Vinnie, Danny, Lynsey...

Brendan had always felt a sense of shame over Vinnie. The lad had been keen, too keen sometimes. He'd looked at Brendan in that way Steven had at the beginning, his eyes wide and trusting like Brendan held all of the answers. Brendan shivered at the memories swirling through his mind. There had been several encounters, some of them very pleasant, others... not. Brendan struggled with the finer details but he never forgot Vinnie's face...

_"Brendan" Vinnie grinned up at him, his hands resting on Brendan's forearms. _

_"Someone could walk in!"_

_"They won't" Brendan said, his voice low. "I locked the door"_

_Vinnie glanced around anxiously. They were in Brendan's office after hours. Vinnie had been eyeing him all day and eventually Brendan had gotten sick of playing it safe and decided to keep him behind. It had been a little while since their last time together. Brendan was always so wary of being caught out, especially now Danny was hanging around a lot more. As Brendan withdrew, Vinnie clung. It wasn't his fault; he was only eighteen, his family life was a mess, Brendan was the only real constant in his life._

_"Okay then" Vinnie agreed, that shining glint in his eye. Brendan smirked, kissing him hard on the mouth. He was only a small boy but he always urged Brendan to not hold back and tonight was no different. "Please" he whimpered as Brendan trailed his hands down his smooth body._

_"Patience" Brendan murmured into his mouth, pulling his legs up to wrap around him. Vinnie had clung to his neck as Brendan entered him. His legs were wide and willing, his eyes holding the promise of no restraint. Brendan enjoyed him for this reason; the wild abandon with which he let him take him and yet it never felt wrong. Vinnie wasn't smothered by Brendan and his desire, it embraced him like a warm cloak._

_There would always be a moment at the end though when Vinnie would get that look on his face; that look that said this was his forever, that Brendan was his just as much as Vinnie was Brendan's. But it wasn't true, Brendan wouldn't allow it to happen. He kept him at arms length at all costs. Bruises and coldness did not deter him for long and Brendan hated him a little for that, and hated himself a lot more._

Back in the present, Brendan stood stock still. It took him a moment to register the arms wrapped around his torso, or the nose pressed into his back.

"Hey, you. What you doing out of bed?"

"Just thinking" Brendan said quietly.

"About me?"

Brendan turned around, smiling down at Steven and holding him securely against his chest. "Vincent, actually"

Steven looked up at him curiously. "Yeah?"

"Ye were right, he did mean something" Brendan's eyes took on that faraway look. "The difference is, I didn't save him. I abandoned him"

Steven was silent, rubbing circles into Brendan's back.

"I wouldn't do that to ye, I wouldn't leave ye"

"I know" Steven said, his voice hoarse. "I know that"

Brendan glanced over at the sofa, remembering who else he couldn't save. Steven held him tighter.

"I'm not going anywhere"

Brendan nodded, hardly able to speak.

"Back to bed?" Steven held out his hand, looking at Brendan carefully. This was why Steven was still here after all this time, and the others gone. He looked after Brendan just as much as Brendan looked after him. It hadn't always been so simple, it still wasn't really, but Brendan couldn't imagine a world without him in it and that was the end of it.

He took his hand gratefully and for a rare moment, allowed himself to be led and comforted as only Steven could.


End file.
